Inside Myself

It’s cold here, alone with my thoughts.

Drowning in doubt, from my mind’s fearful inquest.

Lonesome & drifting, as happiness fades to anguish.

I remember this feeling…

This longing, this worry

This terror that it will all go away.

I am trying to be brave, courageous

In the face of this affection.

I can feel myself shutting down, pulling back.

An all too familiar defense.

In the prevention of yet another broken heart.

The scars of the past have only just healed

Still dripping with the blood of a loved lost.

The pain is gone, but the memory of it remains.

And the knowledge that what I am facing, is so much greater than any devotion of the past.

Surely the loss of which could be something from which I may never recover.

For it is something, I have never wanted more.

Rugged, raw and pure.

To be seen for all that I am and admired still.

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I don’t want ordinary¬†

What if…I don’t want an ordinary life

To be an ordinary wife

Married with children in the traditional way

What if…your idea of normal just isn’t for me
My life…has always been strange 

So maybe for me strange is the new normal

Would it shock you to hear that I don’t care if I ever get married

I did once

A very long time ago

When I was young and he was my muse

But not anymore

I am no longer searching for love

Something I am sure the majority of society would find impossible to comprehend

After all, no single woman in their 30’s would chose to be alone

And that’s where you’re wrong 

I have thought long and hard about this over the last few weeks

And I am absolutely positive that love & relationships are no longer for me

I’m sure the notion sounds insane to most

Or you assume that I simply must be lying to myself

I assure you that is not the case

You wonder how someone could live this way without feeling lonesome 

It can be lonely, but isn’t everyone sometimes

The difference for me is that when I’m lonely, I’m actually alone 

I have been in relationships where I felt the same

And in my opinion that is far worse

I also know what it’s like to find your soul mate

And I know how it feels to lose him

To be loved the way he loved me

Is a blessing in this life

To look into someone’s eyes and know without a doubt that the love you share is unbreakable

It is hard to believe that anyone could ever love me as much as he did

And that’s okay 

Some people spend their whole lives searching for a love like that and never find it

So believe me when I say

I am content

I do not need fixing

And I’d be ever so thankful, if everyone would just stop trying

I have no desire to live the life that everyone else has designed for me

My world is not incomplete just because I am single

If anything, it is more so, because I hold all the cards

I may spend the night in the arms of a man

After all, a woman has needs

But in the light of day, I will send him away

With the explanation, that the ordinary love affair is simply not for me

Judge as you will, but I really don’t care 

I’m tired of living by the expectations of others

If it is not yet clear to you by now

I will reiterate…

I don’t want an ordinary life

To be an ordinary wife

Married with children in the traditional way

For once you have had an extraordinary love

Everything and everyone else just seems so ordinary 

Days Like These

On days like these

I wish you were here

Nothing specific needed

I just wish you were here

Your presence alone makes me smile

Your contagious laugh

Your free spirit

And your love 

So much love

Not many have a bond like ours

You are my truest of friends

M’Lady by all accounts

I am missing you today

Missing you so much

And thanking the creative 

That you are in my life

Although we are apart

Your presence is always in my heart

Anger and Pain

Soon this will be over

This now… a moment in the past.

Those hurtful words that cut so deep

Their painful dripping down my cheeks

The Darkness.

So little light…

In times like these.

Serious thoughts weigh heavy on my mind

As thick black hate courses through my veins

Slowly the anger subsides

And I am left here

Feeling weak

Such Defeat…

In times like these.

Searching for strength in solitude

For soon it will all be over

This now…a moment of the past

This present…a fading memory

Fighting The Darkness

It’s cold here

Deep within the pit of my dispair

It’s lonely here

Backed within the corner of my rage

I can feel it more strongly now

So much stronger than before

The resentment

The disappointment

The darkness

This shattered reality I am forced to bare

The overwhelming sadness for all that is lacking in my life

Followed by the overwhelming shame for feeling ungrateful for all that I have

It is in times such as these 

As I lay here alone with my thoughts

That I find myself consumed with longing 

Longing for all that I have lost and all that never was

I begin to wonder

I think about lost love and why it never seems to work

Even when it feels so right 

It ends up being so wrong 

And I worry

Will I ever find truth?

Will anyone ever mean what they say?

Will anything ever be real?

My heart beats heavily within my chest

Weighing me down with every breath

Tears journey down my cheeks 

Shedding painful memories of the past

In this moment 

I am weak

In this moment 

I am human

And in this moment 

that’s okay