Worst Critic

Have you ever wished you were someone else or maybe just a more improved version of yourself? I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t and I am sure I am not alone.

And, I am sure we could sit here all day and argue about how one gets into that sort of mindset, but that will only invite more of the same self defeating vibration, so let’s not.

Instead, I want to know once and for all, how it is that one may break these patterns of thought and allow themselves to be content with their imperfections, ALL OF THEM!

There is a long list of things I don’t like about myself or wish I could do better, but after another episode of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, it dawned on me that if I were only able to conquer the demon of self doubt and find acceptance of my full self, it would eliminate all these ill feelings I have about my physical appearance.

And wouldn’t that be an amazing existence…

I am tired of feeling like I am not thin enough or self conscious about the many other nuances that come with age.

I hold myself up to these absolutely unrealistic standards of what beauty is and as a result I continually feel like I am less than.

And enough is enough!

From now on, I am going to do my absolute best to try changing these patterns of thought.

And when asked what I would change about myself if I could? My reply will be to possess the ability to love myself just as I am.

I am not sure just how yet, but I have a feeling that trying to see myself through the eyes of my closest friends and family just may be the ticket.

When my boyfriend looks at me he doesn’t see what I see, not in the slightest. He loves me just as I am, as I do him.

It’s time I listen when he tells me I am beautiful and more importantly, it is time I start telling myself.

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When Will I Be Free

Tears roll down my face

As the little voice in my head begins to banter with positivity

An enemy from long ago has reared its ugly head once again

When will it go away

When will I be free

Self doubt and ridicule

Pick apart my self esteem

As I struggle with my weight

A battle I keep fighting

But never seem to win

I know freedom lies in accepting where I am

Who I am

And all I’ve yet to be

Yet on days like these 

I find it hard to keep the fire going

As this old familiar pain

Pours heavily on my heart

I long for the day 

When I am no longer my worst enemy

Self Esteem is a B!t@h!

Why is it that I am so high-strung sometimes? I didn’t ask to be this way. I don’t like being this way. I am able to calm myself into an ordinary state quite quickly, but sometimes it just comes on without warning. My head starts spinning and it is as if I am drowning in my own subconscious. It’s like there is a Woodpecker on the back of my cranium.
I wish I could perceive myself through the eyes of others. All of the lines, the freckles, etc that I obsess over and fear judgment upon, would they fall away? Are they even there to begin with? Or is it that I just magnify their nuances to a much larger degree. If so, then why all the fuss. Why all waves of inferiority; this fear of judgment and malice.

Do grown (and I mean that in the strictest sense!) people really dislike someone because they have flaws on their face or their fashion sense is lacking? It sounds so silly to say, so why is so much of my time spent on the subject when I know it is not true.

I even tell myself I am being stupid, but that is just it, I am insulting myself. I should be encouraging myself and setting my goals much higher, instead of low on the assumption of failure.

What is the deal? There are so many people worse off than me and I am sure they aren’t terrified to attend any social gathering with strangers for fear of rejection. The most frustrating part is knowing how neurotic you are and not being able to stop critiquing every action you make! It is just exhausting! Does anyone else have this problem?
They must!

How do you stop it other that just telling yourself it is not true and surrounding yourself with faithful loving people?

After a while you start to come to grips with the issue and attack it head on! It becomes a bit of a challenge really and one of those high goals too! Sweet! Well, I guess I answered my own question!

This may be hell, but you can’t tell me we are not here to learn something! Although, school is kind of hellish! So I guess it would makes sense.

The brain is so complex! However if it were simple, we wouldn’t have the ability to study it!