Inside Myself

It’s cold here, alone with my thoughts.

Drowning in doubt, from my mind’s fearful inquest.

Lonesome & drifting, as happiness fades to anguish.

I remember this feeling…

This longing, this worry

This terror that it will all go away.

I am trying to be brave, courageous

In the face of this affection.

I can feel myself shutting down, pulling back.

An all too familiar defense.

In the prevention of yet another broken heart.

The scars of the past have only just healed

Still dripping with the blood of a loved lost.

The pain is gone, but the memory of it remains.

And the knowledge that what I am facing, is so much greater than any devotion of the past.

Surely the loss of which could be something from which I may never recover.

For it is something, I have never wanted more.

Rugged, raw and pure.

To be seen for all that I am and admired still.

Advertisements

My Mistake

I  awoke today at 4 AM

Cringing at the prospect of another day

I am exhausted I thought

Lost

Wandering through the darkness of my mind

Sleep was my only peace

From this cloak of sanity I must abide

For I am cracked you see

Jagged

These edges on my heart

embraced with scars

From lovers of the past

Those who taught me

Just how worthless

One can make you feel

Thank you for reminding me that I mean nothing

For a moment, I actually thought you cared

My mistake

 

 

I don’t want ordinary¬†

What if…I don’t want an ordinary life

To be an ordinary wife

Married with children in the traditional way

What if…your idea of normal just isn’t for me
My life…has always been strange 

So maybe for me strange is the new normal

Would it shock you to hear that I don’t care if I ever get married

I did once

A very long time ago

When I was young and he was my muse

But not anymore

I am no longer searching for love

Something I am sure the majority of society would find impossible to comprehend

After all, no single woman in their 30’s would chose to be alone

And that’s where you’re wrong 

I have thought long and hard about this over the last few weeks

And I am absolutely positive that love & relationships are no longer for me

I’m sure the notion sounds insane to most

Or you assume that I simply must be lying to myself

I assure you that is not the case

You wonder how someone could live this way without feeling lonesome 

It can be lonely, but isn’t everyone sometimes

The difference for me is that when I’m lonely, I’m actually alone 

I have been in relationships where I felt the same

And in my opinion that is far worse

I also know what it’s like to find your soul mate

And I know how it feels to lose him

To be loved the way he loved me

Is a blessing in this life

To look into someone’s eyes and know without a doubt that the love you share is unbreakable

It is hard to believe that anyone could ever love me as much as he did

And that’s okay 

Some people spend their whole lives searching for a love like that and never find it

So believe me when I say

I am content

I do not need fixing

And I’d be ever so thankful, if everyone would just stop trying

I have no desire to live the life that everyone else has designed for me

My world is not incomplete just because I am single

If anything, it is more so, because I hold all the cards

I may spend the night in the arms of a man

After all, a woman has needs

But in the light of day, I will send him away

With the explanation, that the ordinary love affair is simply not for me

Judge as you will, but I really don’t care 

I’m tired of living by the expectations of others

If it is not yet clear to you by now

I will reiterate…

I don’t want an ordinary life

To be an ordinary wife

Married with children in the traditional way

For once you have had an extraordinary love

Everything and everyone else just seems so ordinary 

Dreamers Prayer

As I lay myself to sleep

The silence of the dark wraps tightly around my skin

Alone in my bed 

Swimming in my own imagination 

A fairytale of memories

Written with the deepest of regret

All feels lost, but perhaps it is not 

For all that could have been and all that has yet to come 

Can always be

If I only close my eyes