Inevitable Defeat

I can feel it taking over

The sadness

These all too familiar

Feelings of defeat.

And I know what happens next

For I have been here too many times before.

The pain will grow to anger

From feeling like a fool

My heart will turn to stone

And my love for you will be nothing but scars.

I will turn from you

I will run

For those eyes that once warmed my soul

Will hold only the reminder

That you lied.

You never meant it

You never felt it

And even though you said it

In the end

None of it was true.

Advertisements

Imperfectly Perfect

I trace the lines of your face,

As I struggle not to get lost in your eyes.

But I do.

Every time.

There is no love for me there,

But it makes no difference to my heart.

You are not like the others.

And neither am I.

Perhaps that is why,

I feel so safe with you.

And so empty when you are away.

If there was only a way to end this emotion.

A flaw,

I simply cannot overlook.

And so I search.

Reviewing our time together,

Looking for a reason,

To let it all go.

Playing With Knives

It tickles and prickles.

Gliding slowly along my skin.

The crispness of the blade piercing my flesh.

The need is growing stronger,

The yearning taking hold.

I desire to be damaged,

Fearing only he may know the way…

I like it.

How I long to be driven mad with passion,

To be taken.

Without warning.

Strangled and restrained,

By the one who once held my heart.

His fetish my reflection,

Shared darkness our bond.

 

For wicked is his poison,

That dances on my lips.

Drizzled bits of ecstasy,

Dripping ever so delicately over my tongue.

 

How I wish to find him hiding,

Somewhere away in the dark.

Ready and willing,

To give up the fight.

 

To prove me wrong,

 

But he won’t.

 

To show up unannounced,

Disturb my foundation,

Unsettle my core.

 

But he won’t.

And that’s okay.

 

I hold no hope for romance,

After all, I’m not a child.

For the eyes of a man can be telling,

And the words of a man deceiving.

To him,

I am no more,

Than familiar.

A comfort.

A friend.

A willing party,

Away from the war.

Another broken soul,

With whom to shed the mask.

And besides,  I’ve never found a lover,

Man enough, to tame this wild.

 

 

The Taste of Being Human

Dripping lips of poison tattoo my skin, as they graze along the caverns of an old and weary heart.

Its walls encrusted with the agony of darkness, misery and despair.

Built from the bricks of tragedy, sealed with scars and pounded together by the bruises of the past.

Crumbling ever slightly, as anticipation…and…this warming sensation begin to make me quiver.

Oh how I love the shiver, the shudder, this glimmer…of hope.

A momentary lapse of apprehension that will surely desecrate me further, but I hold no regrets.

I have no desire for the antivenom.

For I wish to revel in the agony of this destruction.

To suffocate beneath the feelings of pleasure, surrender to these hands delicately tracing my skin.

The precious rarity of the undeniable chemistry between us awakens me.

In this fleeting bitter sweet rendezvous I no longer feel numb, no longer lay stagnant, no longer walk alone.

And for that, I shall sacrifice the light for even just a taste of being human.

 

 

I Will Not Be Broken

Anger courses through my veins

As disappointment drips slowly down my face

The sadness is maddening

For I refuse to be broken

Not again, not this time.

I own this misconception

For it is mine alone

Acting against my better judgement

A familiar mistake

That always seems to leave me bruised.

I had hoped that this was different

That maybe, just once…

There was more to this life

Than simply existing

Alone.

Perhaps it is valuable

This realization that nothing lasts forever

Life’s piercing reminder to appreciate those moments of pure vulnerability

For they are few and far between.

And growing less likely with every passing day.

Opening up, giving my all

Is not something I do easily

Nor an act I reserve for the common.

But even the exeptional

Have their doubts

Or so it would seem.

My defenses are rising

The walls rebuilding

In one last attempt to step away before it’s too late.

For I refuse to be broken

Not again, not this time.

 

Ms. Misunderstood

Lonely was the language of my heart.

So please forgive me when I don’t know what to say

How to act

Or how to play

With you.

I’m not used to being cared for

Understood

Or even wanted for that matter.

These feelings of affection & kindness

Frighten me

For I treasure them all too much

Craving them in the dark

Longing for them in the day.

I never thought I wanted this

But now…

I can’t think of anything

I’ve ever wanted more

Than you.

Inside Myself

It’s cold here, alone with my thoughts.

Drowning in doubt, from my mind’s fearful inquest.

Lonesome & drifting, as happiness fades to anguish.

I remember this feeling…

This longing, this worry

This terror that it will all go away.

I am trying to be brave, courageous

In the face of this affection.

I can feel myself shutting down, pulling back.

An all too familiar defense.

In the prevention of yet another broken heart.

The scars of the past have only just healed

Still dripping with the blood of a loved lost.

The pain is gone, but the memory of it remains.

And the knowledge that what I am facing, is so much greater than any devotion of the past.

Surely the loss of which could be something from which I may never recover.

For it is something, I have never wanted more.

Rugged, raw and pure.

To be seen for all that I am and admired still.