I wonder sometimes…what it would be like.
To wake each day…without the darkness,
Casting shadows on the light.
To feel safe,
For more than just a moment.
To be unbroken,
And not just for pretend.
That’s the thing about depression…
Even on the brightest of days,
There will always be a cloud… a storm,
Waiting at the ready to unleash its wrath.
And each day,
In the hopes that someday,
We will find our place in the sun.
Lost within a moment…
Broken are these thoughts.
There seems to be a stranger in my head these days.
With the striking resemblance to the girl I was long ago.
Crushing the assurance of yesterday.
Casting shadows on the truth.
It is the over thinker.
The second guesser.
I’ve battled these demons before…
I turned away once before.
And so I shall again.
To overcome triumphant.
And self assured.
Oh what a never ending journey…
There once was a girl who took on the world.
Her heart was full, her future bright.
Oh how I miss her,
And that glimmer in her eyes.
Ripped in two by more than a few.
Until all that remains is this mile wide ditch in her chest.
She is just a hollow shell now.
Unable to love, unable to care.
Numb to this existence.
Maybe the rest of life will be less painful,
Now that she has nothing more to give, nothing more to take.
Useless to those that wish to prey on the optimistic and the bold.
For he was the one to throw the last stone.
The one that shattered the only remaining piece of her heart.
These days, I find great comfort in being alone.
In a world filled with monsters,
It all seems such a pointless charade.
One I no longer desire to fight.
Not for anyone,
I’ve no need for the notion,
That I’d ever be chosen.
For it will only end in pain.
And so, I find myself treasuring the dark,
This solitude, my security,
In this somewhat wicked story of my life.
Today is a day much like any other
To everyone else that is.
For me today has much potential for joy
But I must first navigate through the emotional baggage attached to its creation.
I awake feeling saddened, disappointed and as I always do on this day…missing something.
A love that will never come, a mother who left me behind and the worthiness I feel on any other day.
And so I spiral
Just for a moment
Holding the hand of Reznor
As I recall all that could have been
And something I will never have.
Feeling quite the wretched
But I do not want this.
And so once I hit the bottom,
I will slowly wash it all away.
I can feel it taking over
These all too familiar
Feelings of defeat.
And I know what happens next
For I have been here too many times before.
The pain will grow to anger
From feeling like a fool
My heart will turn to stone
And my love for you will be nothing but scars.
I will turn from you
I will run
For those eyes that once warmed my soul
Will hold only the reminder
That you lied.
You never meant it
You never felt it
And even though you said it
In the end
None of it was true.
I loved you. When it felt like I could never feel anything again, I felt you.
And it almost saved me.