I Will Not Be Broken

Anger courses through my veins

As disappointment drips slowly down my face

The sadness is maddening

For I refuse to be broken

Not again, not this time.

I own this misconception

For it is mine alone

Acting against my better judgement

A familiar mistake

That always seems to leave me bruised.

I had hoped that this was different

That maybe, just once…

There was more to this life

Than simply existing

Alone.

Perhaps it is valuable

This realization that nothing lasts forever

Life’s piercing reminder to appreciate those moments of pure vulnerability

For they are few and far between.

And growing less likely with every passing day.

Opening up, giving my all

Is not something I do easily

Nor an act I reserve for the common.

But even the exeptional

Have their doubts

Or so it would seem.

My defenses are rising

The walls rebuilding

In one last attempt to step away before it’s too late.

For I refuse to be broken

Not again, not this time.

 

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Ms. Misunderstood

Lonely was the language of my heart.

So please forgive me when I don’t know what to say

How to act

Or how to play

With you.

I’m not used to being cared for

Understood

Or even wanted for that matter.

These feelings of affection & kindness

Frighten me

For I treasure them all too much

Craving them in the dark

Longing for them in the day.

I never thought I wanted this

But now…

I can’t think of anything

I’ve ever wanted more

Than you.

Just Sometimes 

A part of me wishes I wasn’t here

On this earth 

Surrounded by all these humans

Misunderstood 

This tragic little mess of me

A part of me wants to run away

To leave this world

And not to face another day

I am exhausted

Tired of wearing this mask 

Hiding the broken pieces of my soul

Pretending that I am not falling apart

Assuring everyone else that everything is okay

When sometimes…

It’s not okay

I’m not okay

There are moments 

When all I feel is hollow

Empty inside 

Destroyed

Damaged 

And dismembered 

There are times 

When all I want is to be held

To be told that I matter 

Assured that I am worthy

Even if it’s just for a moment

I want to feel as though I won’t always have to walk alone 

But that would mean removing this disguise

Revealing to the world

That I am among the strange

That I don’t belong here 

And so…

Once again 

I muster up the energy to continue this masquerade

Holding it together 

When all I want to do is fall apart

Inside Myself

It’s cold here, alone with my thoughts.

Drowning in doubt, from my mind’s fearful inquest.

Lonesome & drifting, as happiness fades to anguish.

I remember this feeling…

This longing, this worry

This terror that it will all go away.

I am trying to be brave, courageous

In the face of this affection.

I can feel myself shutting down, pulling back.

An all too familiar defense.

In the prevention of yet another broken heart.

The scars of the past have only just healed

Still dripping with the blood of a loved lost.

The pain is gone, but the memory of it remains.

And the knowledge that what I am facing, is so much greater than any devotion of the past.

Surely the loss of which could be something from which I may never recover.

For it is something, I have never wanted more.

Rugged, raw and pure.

To be seen for all that I am and admired still.

Contentment

It’s beautiful,

the way he brought back her colors

pulled the laughter from her soul

blowing the dust from a wounded heart.

It’s a relief,

this natural flow

no need for expectation

empty promises

or labels to show the world.

It’s rare,

this freedom

from needing there to be something

someone

to call home.

It’s breathtaking,

that sparkle in her eyes

absent of fear

vacant of worry.

It’s delicious,

the pleasant unfolding of it all

the prospect of happiness

in an otherwise dreary world.

It’s peaceful,

the need for nothing more

content in the knowing

that she is not alone.

 

 

 

 

 

There Will Come a Day

There will come a day when you look back on all that you did not pursue with great regret

But then it will be too late.

There will be no one left to love you

No one left to abuse

The option to swallow your pride, admit you were wrong

They will all be gone.

A day when the pain you thought you were saving yourself from will be all that you have left.

You think your heart is broken now, but you have no idea what is yet to come.

Someday all this will matter to you

The friends you pushed away

The love you didn’t chase

The family you wish you had been closer to

But by then, it will be too late.

Your family will pass, friends will move on

And love will only be a distant memory

The uncertainty of which you will never escape

You will never know that she was waiting for you behind the door

Hoping that you would turn around

Praying that just for one moment

You wouldn’t do what you always do.

Break her heart.

In the end,

As you lay there alone

Waiting for the reaper

Not one will be there to hold your hand

No memories of love to sooth you on the way

All you ever wanted was for everyone to leave you alone

But there will come a day

When all that you have been running from will be all that you crave

And then…it will be too late.