I don’t want ordinary 

What if…I don’t want an ordinary life

To be an ordinary wife

Married with children in the traditional way

What if…your idea of normal just isn’t for me
My life…has always been strange 

So maybe for me strange is the new normal

Would it shock you to hear that I don’t care if I ever get married

I did once

A very long time ago

When I was young and he was my muse

But not anymore

I am no longer searching for love

Something I am sure the majority of society would find impossible to comprehend

After all, no single woman in their 30’s would chose to be alone

And that’s where you’re wrong 

I have thought long and hard about this over the last few weeks

And I am absolutely positive that love & relationships are no longer for me

I’m sure the notion sounds insane to most

Or you assume that I simply must be lying to myself

I assure you that is not the case

You wonder how someone could live this way without feeling lonesome 

It can be lonely, but isn’t everyone sometimes

The difference for me is that when I’m lonely, I’m actually alone 

I have been in relationships where I felt the same

And in my opinion that is far worse

I also know what it’s like to find your soul mate

And I know how it feels to lose him

To be loved the way he loved me

Is a blessing in this life

To look into someone’s eyes and know without a doubt that the love you share is unbreakable

It is hard to believe that anyone could ever love me as much as he did

And that’s okay 

Some people spend their whole lives searching for a love like that and never find it

So believe me when I say

I am content

I do not need fixing

And I’d be ever so thankful, if everyone would just stop trying

I have no desire to live the life that everyone else has designed for me

My world is not incomplete just because I am single

If anything, it is more so, because I hold all the cards

I may spend the night in the arms of a man

After all, a woman has needs

But in the light of day, I will send him away

With the explanation, that the ordinary love affair is simply not for me

Judge as you will, but I really don’t care 

I’m tired of living by the expectations of others

If it is not yet clear to you by now

I will reiterate…

I don’t want an ordinary life

To be an ordinary wife

Married with children in the traditional way

For once you have had an extraordinary love

Everything and everyone else just seems so ordinary 

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I Pity You

What is it about our society that allows cruelty to flourish? A world where adult is a relative term.

You know the type, they are mean just to be mean. They feel as if everyone wants to be apart of their world and therefore they have utter control over those around them by simply offering their approval.

They think that by excluding those they feel to be “unworthy” they are some how above them. Well I have news for all of those mean people out there….

I do not subscribe to this mentality, so I would never refer to you as “unworthy”, but I can tell you that if anyone in this situation is unworthy of anything, it is you. You have no power over me. Excluding me would only make me feel bad if I gave a shit whether or not you liked me. I don’t.

Did you hear that?

I don’t.

I have no desire to be part of what you consider to be the “cool clique”, if you can really call it that. I am not sure that a group of mean spirited individuals gathered together can be considered “cool”, but whatever helps you sleep at night I guess.

You may ask why I am wasting my time writing about this if I truly don’t care.

I am happy to explain myself.

Although I do not care whatsoever about whether you decide to bestow me the honor of joining you for lunch or being a part of your crew, I can not speak for everyone. Your actions are malicious and contagious and the hurt you cause to those around you makes me sick.

If I feel anything for you, it is pity.

What a sad life you must lead. Are you so disappointed in yourself that you are not able to find joy in anything but hurtful acts of exclusion?

Or is that you simply do not possess the ability to be happy for anyone else (without alterior motives)?

I hate to burst your bubble, but jealousy doesn’t look good on anyone!

Your negativity is at the root of all that is wrong with this world.

Treating others as if they are not good enough is your problem. Don’t make it everyone else’s.

There are so many beautiful people in the world.

Talented, wonderful people that you shall never truly know because of your inability to see past the end of your own nose.

And for that reason, I pity you.

However, I still wish for you all the happiness in the world.

May you see the error in your ways and open your heart to those who have nothing to offer you.

Only then will you truly find the joy you are seeking.

Self Esteem is a B!t@h!

Why is it that I am so high-strung sometimes? I didn’t ask to be this way. I don’t like being this way. I am able to calm myself into an ordinary state quite quickly, but sometimes it just comes on without warning. My head starts spinning and it is as if I am drowning in my own subconscious. It’s like there is a Woodpecker on the back of my cranium.
I wish I could perceive myself through the eyes of others. All of the lines, the freckles, etc that I obsess over and fear judgment upon, would they fall away? Are they even there to begin with? Or is it that I just magnify their nuances to a much larger degree. If so, then why all the fuss. Why all waves of inferiority; this fear of judgment and malice.

Do grown (and I mean that in the strictest sense!) people really dislike someone because they have flaws on their face or their fashion sense is lacking? It sounds so silly to say, so why is so much of my time spent on the subject when I know it is not true.

I even tell myself I am being stupid, but that is just it, I am insulting myself. I should be encouraging myself and setting my goals much higher, instead of low on the assumption of failure.

What is the deal? There are so many people worse off than me and I am sure they aren’t terrified to attend any social gathering with strangers for fear of rejection. The most frustrating part is knowing how neurotic you are and not being able to stop critiquing every action you make! It is just exhausting! Does anyone else have this problem?
They must!

How do you stop it other that just telling yourself it is not true and surrounding yourself with faithful loving people?

After a while you start to come to grips with the issue and attack it head on! It becomes a bit of a challenge really and one of those high goals too! Sweet! Well, I guess I answered my own question!

This may be hell, but you can’t tell me we are not here to learn something! Although, school is kind of hellish! So I guess it would makes sense.

The brain is so complex! However if it were simple, we wouldn’t have the ability to study it!

The Prospect of Freedom

With the prospect of freedom from the 9-5 on the horizon, I am hopeful for the future and all of the new experiences that are sure to follow.

I am looking forward to waking up to beaming rays of sun on my face without the intrusive sound of mechanical buzzing from my alarm.

I shall drift to sleep in peace and arise just the same.

I will be free!

Free to daydream, free to explore, free to just be.

If not for long, for long enough.

For many, work is a necessary evil. It is not time spent doing something you enjoy, but rather time spent busying yourself with the nuances of modern society.

If you are lucky enough to have found a way to earn an income doing what you love, then you are one of the truly blessed. Be wise and never take this for granted.

For the rest of us, the work days can be long and grueling without the rewards of passion and self-reliance.  We get through it by dangling the carrot of inspiration in front of our faces until we are exhausted by the prospect of freedom.

Disillusioned by the idea that this is what is expected of us and simply the way it has always been.

Rubbish!

We create our own destiny. Each one of us is powerful in our own special way. We are not meant to be shoved in the corner of an office, pencil pushing all day just to pay the rent. There is so much more out there for us and within us, we just need to find a way to break free from the mundane life that has been put before us. A life declared as normal.

What is normal really? Doesn’t the definition vary according to who is defining it? Would you let someone else define who you are? Tell you who you are supposed to be, what you are supposed to do, who you are supposed to love?

I sure hope not!

These are questions you are meant to find the answers to yourself. It is okay to be unsure in the beginning.

Life is all about finding the answers.

Don’t be afraid to embrace your dreams, aspirations and you inner weird, it is what makes you, YOU!

Random Rudeness

There is nothing that irritates me more than random rudeness!! Whether it be someone on the street that you accidentally run in to and they freak out on you regardless of your apology for what was obviously a mistake or the person in the office who finds it necessary to snark at you for no particular reason at all. Seriously people lighten up a little. None of us will get  out of here alive and there is no reason to be a raging C U Next Tuesday kind of person in the meantime!!!

I am so tired of people with such a sense of entitlement that they are unable to appreciate the ‘little’ people for lack of a better word. We have feelings too and our lives matter just as much as yours do, maybe more in fact, since we can find joy in the small things in life!

To anyone who has experienced random rudeness as I just did from some stuck up woman who has no idea who I am and therefore has no right to treat me ill, shake it off and try to move on today. I will not let her take my joy away. Sure it pissed me off or I wouldn’t be venting to you now, but once this post is done, I will move on.

My frustration shall turn in to pity, for it is sad when someone is so miserable in their own life that they are completely unable to feel joy for anyone else. Every accomplishment made by someone else is to them a chance to succeed that they missed out on. It is impossible for them to be happy for anyone else because they are too busy judging others and envying them for stealing their glory. We all know the type. when you really stop to think about it, it is a very sad existence and I pity them. Life is sure to lead to dissatisfaction in the end if you are unable to share the spotlight with anyone else.

Whew, that feels better! Thanks for listening!

Why Do We Do What We Do?

In a world that is already filled with a great deal of uncertainty and heartbreak, why do we put ourselves in situations that shake our very core of stability and lead us to feel more lost than we ever knew was possible?
What is the point? Life in itself is difficult, tragic, and painful enough without us making a contribution to our own feelings of neglect and disappointment. It’s more than sad. It’s self-destructive and pointless.
But we still do it.
Maybe it is the intensity of false hope placed on us as children that someday there will be a happy ending. An idea forced upon us in fairy tales and G rated movies where good always triumphs over evil and against all odds true love prevails.
No wonder we are disappointed and depressed by the real world once we are old enough to understand that it is all a bunch of bunk! Maybe for some, it all works out and everyone lives happily ever after, but for most, love does not prevail and in many cases it isn’t even true. Good does not always win and sometimes the pure evil is never forced to face consequence.
Children are so innocent and the hope is to shelter them from unnecessary pain and fill them with hope for their future. In my personal opinion, this is the opposite of preparing them for what really lies in store as they become a part of this not so perfect world.
Whether the disappointment we feel relates to love, spiritual growth or personal fulfillment, the result is the same; a depressed reality set on auto pilot in the hopes we are able to make it through the day.