I Will Not Be Broken

Anger courses through my veins

As disappointment drips slowly down my face

The sadness is maddening

For I refuse to be broken

Not again, not this time.

I own this misconception

For it is mine alone

Acting against my better judgement

A familiar mistake

That always seems to leave me bruised.

I had hoped that this was different

That maybe, just once…

There was more to this life

Than simply existing

Alone.

Perhaps it is valuable

This realization that nothing lasts forever

Life’s piercing reminder to appreciate those moments of pure vulnerability

For they are few and far between.

And growing less likely with every passing day.

Opening up, giving my all

Is not something I do easily

Nor an act I reserve for the common.

But even the exeptional

Have their doubts

Or so it would seem.

My defenses are rising

The walls rebuilding

In one last attempt to step away before it’s too late.

For I refuse to be broken

Not again, not this time.

 

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Ms. Misunderstood

Lonely was the language of my heart.

So please forgive me when I don’t know what to say

How to act

Or how to play

With you.

I’m not used to being cared for

Understood

Or even wanted for that matter.

These feelings of affection & kindness

Frighten me

For I treasure them all too much

Craving them in the dark

Longing for them in the day.

I never thought I wanted this

But now…

I can’t think of anything

I’ve ever wanted more

Than you.

When Will I Be Free

Tears roll down my face

As the little voice in my head begins to banter with positivity

An enemy from long ago has reared its ugly head once again

When will it go away

When will I be free

Self doubt and ridicule

Pick apart my self esteem

As I struggle with my weight

A battle I keep fighting

But never seem to win

I know freedom lies in accepting where I am

Who I am

And all I’ve yet to be

Yet on days like these 

I find it hard to keep the fire going

As this old familiar pain

Pours heavily on my heart

I long for the day 

When I am no longer my worst enemy

Anger and Pain

Soon this will be over

This now… a moment in the past.

Those hurtful words that cut so deep

Their painful dripping down my cheeks

The Darkness.

So little light…

In times like these.

Serious thoughts weigh heavy on my mind

As thick black hate courses through my veins

Slowly the anger subsides

And I am left here

Feeling weak

Such Defeat…

In times like these.

Searching for strength in solitude

For soon it will all be over

This now…a moment of the past

This present…a fading memory

Fighting The Darkness

It’s cold here

Deep within the pit of my dispair

It’s lonely here

Backed within the corner of my rage

I can feel it more strongly now

So much stronger than before

The resentment

The disappointment

The darkness

This shattered reality I am forced to bare

The overwhelming sadness for all that is lacking in my life

Followed by the overwhelming shame for feeling ungrateful for all that I have

It is in times such as these 

As I lay here alone with my thoughts

That I find myself consumed with longing 

Longing for all that I have lost and all that never was

I begin to wonder

I think about lost love and why it never seems to work

Even when it feels so right 

It ends up being so wrong 

And I worry

Will I ever find truth?

Will anyone ever mean what they say?

Will anything ever be real?

My heart beats heavily within my chest

Weighing me down with every breath

Tears journey down my cheeks 

Shedding painful memories of the past

In this moment 

I am weak

In this moment 

I am human

And in this moment 

that’s okay

Melancholy Snowfall

I am somber today.

Feeling grim and wistful towards the path that lies ahead.

As the melancholy snow races to the ground outside my window, I am reminded of the past.

It’s spring now and winter should be behind us.

Apparently mother nature has another plan in mind.

Mournful for the sun, I do my best to shake off the sorrow and look towards the light.

Its’ faint glimmer in the distance flickers once to assure me of it’s existence.

I reach for it.

Only to be drenched in regret.

Sopping and soaked, I weep.

I must be strong now. I must have faith.

Image courtesy of nuttakit at FreeDigitalPhotos.net