Worst Critic

Have you ever wished you were someone else or maybe just a more improved version of yourself? I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t and I am sure I am not alone.

And, I am sure we could sit here all day and argue about how one gets into that sort of mindset, but that will only invite more of the same self defeating vibration, so let’s not.

Instead, I want to know once and for all, how it is that one may break these patterns of thought and allow themselves to be content with their imperfections, ALL OF THEM!

There is a long list of things I don’t like about myself or wish I could do better, but after another episode of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, it dawned on me that if I were only able to conquer the demon of self doubt and find acceptance of my full self, it would eliminate all these ill feelings I have about my physical appearance.

And wouldn’t that be an amazing existence…

I am tired of feeling like I am not thin enough or self conscious about the many other nuances that come with age.

I hold myself up to these absolutely unrealistic standards of what beauty is and as a result I continually feel like I am less than.

And enough is enough!

From now on, I am going to do my absolute best to try changing these patterns of thought.

And when asked what I would change about myself if I could? My reply will be to possess the ability to love myself just as I am.

I am not sure just how yet, but I have a feeling that trying to see myself through the eyes of my closest friends and family just may be the ticket.

When my boyfriend looks at me he doesn’t see what I see, not in the slightest. He loves me just as I am, as I do him.

It’s time I listen when he tells me I am beautiful and more importantly, it is time I start telling myself.

To Be Unbroken

I wonder sometimes…what it would be like.

To wake each day…without the darkness,

Casting shadows on the light.

To feel safe,

For more than just a moment.

To be unbroken,

And not just for pretend.

That’s the thing about depression…

Even on the brightest of days,

There will always be a cloud… a storm,

Hovering above.

Waiting at the ready to unleash its wrath.

And each day,

We fight.

We overcome.

In the hopes that someday,

We will find our place in the sun.

A Never Ending Journey

Lost within a moment…

Broken are these thoughts.

There seems to be a stranger in my head these days.

With the striking resemblance to the girl I was long ago.

Crushing the assurance of yesterday.

Casting shadows on the truth.

It is the over thinker.

The second guesser.

The frightened.

I’ve battled these demons before…

The unknowing,

The insecure.

The doubt.

I turned away once before.

And so I shall again.

To overcome triumphant.

Re-centered,

And self assured.

Oh what a never ending journey…

These challenges,

This life.

Hollow

There once was a girl who took on the world.

Her heart was full, her future bright.

Oh how I miss her,

And that glimmer in her eyes.

Ripped in two by more than a few.

Until all that remains is this mile wide ditch in her chest.

She is just a hollow shell now.

Unable to love, unable to care.

Numb to this existence.

Maybe the rest of life will be less painful,

Now that she has nothing more to give, nothing more to take.

Useless to those that wish to prey on the optimistic and the bold.

For he was the one to throw the last stone.

The one that shattered the only remaining piece of her heart.

 

Somewhat Wicked Life

These days, I find great comfort in being alone.

In a world filled with monsters,

It all seems such a pointless charade.

One I no longer desire to fight.

Not for anyone,

Not anymore.

I’ve no need for the notion,

That I’d ever be chosen.

For it will only end in pain.

And so, I find myself treasuring the dark,

This solitude, my security,

In this somewhat wicked story of my life.

Happy Birthday

Today is a day much like any other

To everyone else that is.

For me today has much potential for joy

But I must first navigate through the emotional baggage attached to its creation.

I awake feeling saddened, disappointed and as I always do on this day…missing something.

A love that will never come, a mother who left me behind and the worthiness I feel on any other day.

And so I spiral

Just for a moment

Holding the hand of Reznor

As I recall all that could have been

And something I will never have.

Feeling quite the wretched

Hurt

But I do not want this.

And so once I hit the bottom,

I will slowly wash it all away.

Inevitable Defeat

I can feel it taking over

The sadness

These all too familiar

Feelings of defeat.

And I know what happens next

For I have been here too many times before.

The pain will grow to anger

From feeling like a fool

My heart will turn to stone

And my love for you will be nothing but scars.

I will turn from you

I will run

For those eyes that once warmed my soul

Will hold only the reminder

That you lied.

You never meant it

You never felt it

And even though you said it

In the end

None of it was true.