Almost

I loved you. When it felt like I could never feel anything again, I felt you.

And it almost saved me.

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Imperfectly Perfect

I trace the lines of your face,

As I struggle not to get lost in your eyes.

But I do.

Every time.

There is no love for me there,

But it makes no difference to my heart.

You are not like the others.

And neither am I.

Perhaps that is why,

I feel so safe with you.

And so empty when you are away.

If there was only a way to end this emotion.

A flaw,

I simply cannot overlook.

And so I search.

Reviewing our time together,

Looking for a reason,

To let it all go.

Playing With Knives

It tickles and prickles.

Gliding slowly along my skin.

The crispness of the blade piercing my flesh.

The need is growing stronger,

The yearning taking hold.

I desire to be damaged,

Fearing only he may know the way…

I like it.

How I long to be driven mad with passion,

To be taken.

Without warning.

Strangled and restrained,

By the one who once held my heart.

His fetish my reflection,

Shared darkness our bond.

 

For wicked is his poison,

That dances on my lips.

Drizzled bits of ecstasy,

Dripping ever so delicately over my tongue.

 

How I wish to find him hiding,

Somewhere away in the dark.

Ready and willing,

To give up the fight.

 

To prove me wrong,

 

But he won’t.

 

To show up unannounced,

Disturb my foundation,

Unsettle my core.

 

But he won’t.

And that’s okay.

 

I hold no hope for romance,

After all, I’m not a child.

For the eyes of a man can be telling,

And the words of a man deceiving.

To him,

I am no more,

Than familiar.

A comfort.

A friend.

A willing party,

Away from the war.

Another broken soul,

With whom to shed the mask.

And besides,  I’ve never found a lover,

Man enough, to tame this wild.

 

 

Allusive

The quiet makes me quiver

As I slowly fade to dust

No one is listening

No one is here

Alone

Caught between a memory

And the hope for something more

Reaching out for comfort

Yet allusive in my words

If only

I possessed the courage to say

I need a friendly shoulder

Before I lose control

This world that I exist in

Is shaking at its core

And I

Just a lonely traveler

Stranded beyond the physical

And something in between

Broken language

Breeds bitter tears

As I surrender to the dark

Disappointed

Broken hearted

But wiser just the same

For I have had this feeling

Too many times before

So familiar

Like razors on my skin

And so

I disappear

Running from the prospect

Of another broken wing

Mindful Surrender

Bitter sweet deception consumes my mind.

As this fruit of hope dances on my tongue.

I’ve been here before.

Standing on the edge of this emotion.

Arms spread wide, eyes sealed tight,

And I tumbled.

Collapsing into an abyss of unrequited desire.

Left alone in the darkness.

Cold and defeated.

Reminded that perhaps, I was never meant to be loved.

 

And so, as the prospect of something magical returns, I hold myself away.

Trapped somewhere between love and fear.

It is a warm place, where the shadows keep my cravings for him at by.

As the scars on my heart advise me to stay.

And stay I shall.

Locked inside the prison of my own mind.

Conveniently disregarded.

Waiting…for someone

To fight for love.

Someone, for once

To fight…for me.

Don’t Take Things So Personally

Let me tell you a little something about me to help you from getting those precious feelers hurt the next time I do me and it gets in the way of your expectations.

99% of the time, my actions will neither be the result of yours nor rooted in anything outside of my own narcissistic intentions in the pursuit of well being.

Begging for my attention will send me running in the opposite direction as I have no time in my life for codependency.

And furthermore, asking if I am alive, will make my skin crawl…a sign of needfulness, I am sure to avoid.

You will rarely hear from me daily and it has nothing to do with you.

At times, I cannot be bothered…there is just so much left to do.

It is not that I don’t hold you as a priority, but rather the I am higher on my list.

I have spent a life time getting there and I refuse to go back now.

For once, I know my own self worth and for once, it does not depend on the validations of another.

I am not someone who craves social interaction, if anything, I avoid it.

What I do crave is intelligent conversation, the exchange of information with another inspired soul.

Someone who challenges me to continue moving forward, no matter what the cost.

I am secure and content in my own company and I find most cases of engagment with the masses to be unnecessarily exhausting.

Killing the world with kindness is tiresome to say the least.

Keeping up appearances, even more so.

And it is for that reason, I have no problem turning off my phone.

In fact, if I am being honest, I am not a fan of talking on the phone at all  because I can’t stand being stuck in one place and in most cases answering means stopping the music and messing with my flow.

If you are someone I enjoy long chats with consider yourself one of the chosen few. I must truly care for you.

And when I seem to pull away, know it is most likely nothing on you.

I tend to tip toe along the outskirts of this world, pressing my face against the glass, as if to observe the creatures inside.

I much prefer it here…floating among the clouds.

Below, can feel so small…such a little fish in such a big pond.

But above, it’s only me…no one else fighting for my time.

It is where I retreat when the lights grows dim and a place that feels more like home than anywhere else I’ve been.

So believe me when I say, it’s not you, it’s me.

Remember, don’t take things so personally.

Extraordinarily Unusual

There is something about this thunder that seems to rattle my bones.

Perhaps it is that I have always fantasized about kissing in the rain, under the stars, amidst the moonlight.

Goosebumps on my skin from the chill in the air

or it may be the way he grazes my cheek in warming embrace.

For a moment I am helpless, hopelessly falling…

His kiss electric, lightning to my core and then I hear the rumble…the thunder

Rising within us like an unstoppable flame.

Never to be extinguished, no matter how we fight.

There is power in the clouds above,

Where the darkness unites our souls.

It is a place only the strange can see.

An extraordinarily unusual rift in time,

When we are fully exposed and perfectly understood.

A rarity for the peculiar, this, not having to pretend…to feel.

 

Photo credit: Thingsboysdowelove